Monsters everywhere

Many times in my life, fear has paralyzed me on my way to becoming. In order to counter my impulse to quit before obstacles gave way to disappointment; I learned to launch head first into uncertainty, so that my mind wouldn’t have the chance to talk me out of dreaming. Inevitably, there are some things I wish I had stopped to consider before I took some of those leaps. But after feeling stuck for so long, not trying was a far worse outcome in my mind, than making a few mistakes along the way.

untitled

I have always been afraid
of eight hairy, fanged legs
crawling up my back
to nest in the dark wool of my hair
hitching a ride on my head
then crushed by the ceiling
of my car
leaving a murdered mass
of tentacles groping my fingers
when I scratched
the itch.

adjustment

sometimes life turns me upside down
it’s jagged ultimatums
its way of making me choose
which cloudy path to take
following parsed footprints
my toes stabbing the earth
in protest to haste

to follow this need I have
to nourish my nakedness
to still be yours, and not forgotten
but altogether and more accurately
my own.

Compassion

Been thinking about relationships. The way they ignite, sparkle and then sometimes dim. Thinking about how many of my black girlfriends have raged about being told that they are “too much”. And how our rage stays contained in that close circle, to avoid any surreptitious nods from outsiders. Knowing that the real culprit is the fear of those on the outside looking in; amazed by our resilience and unabashed determination to live our best lives. I am probably too willing to forgive and seek the good in people. And I know this is a privileged place for me to dwell in; so I guess that makes me even more determined to value connection for what it teaches me.

Spark

Even if it caught fire
And singed skin to skin
And melded words to touch
And offered us its fever

You wouldn’t know how to love me

I’m sure you could hit
The right spots
Push the right buttons
Hold me just so

But loving me would be too much

To bear witness to half a life spent
Glowing through the thick of terror
Skipping through mines of misunderstanding
And sobbing underneath skeleton skies

You couldn’t find words or gifts
You couldn’t stand in this orbit with me; still and inviting
Ready to push away the earth so I could breathe in and out

The mystery of you tickles places inside me
that rarely find such innocence and freedom
When time spreads and allows your bones to surrender
I will accept this as your courage